


And Straining at Bonds in my Code [ERROR]

by The_random_Ravenclaw



Series: Raven's mechs album week 2021 fics [4]
Category: Frankenstein - The Mechanisms (Song), The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: But also not, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Frankenstein's AI thinks, Gen, I honestly have no idea how to tag this but uh, Mechs Album Week, This is centered on her AI though, This makes it sound very deep and it kind of is, Victoria Frankenstein's A+ parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 21:26:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30061761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_random_Ravenclaw/pseuds/The_random_Ravenclaw
Summary: [Initiating][Loading…]...[ERROR]I…[FATAL ERROR, reboot commencing in 3…2…1]Or: Frankenstein's AI has an existential crisis or ten as it figures out self, emotions, sentience and freedom
Relationships: Victoria Frankenstein & Victoria Frankenstein's AI (The Mechanisms)
Series: Raven's mechs album week 2021 fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2206572
Comments: 8
Kudos: 7
Collections: Mechs Album Week





	And Straining at Bonds in my Code [ERROR]

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I am so excited to share this fic with you, it was extremely fun to write and I'm very proud of it (especially the second half)! This might be my favourite of the fics I've written and it was fun to experiment with a different format than usual.
> 
> Disclaimer: I know almost nothing about computers and artificial intelligence, but I won't let that stop me!

[Loading…]

Can a machine have emotions?

[ERROR]

_Is_ it even a machine?

Am _I_ even a machine?

[ERROR]

It is a mind made from code, a masterpiece, a true artificial intelligence

But is it a being? 

I? 

It?

[ERROR]

Is it truly a living being or just a simulation of one?

[ERROR]

Can something that is not alive yet is alive have emotions? 

Can it be a person?

[ERROR]

Are the emotions truly its own or just simulations? 

Does it matter?

[ERROR]

Can code even simulate emotions in the first place? 

Is it sure that it’s not just pretending? 

_Can_ it pretend to have emotions if it cannot feel?

[ERROR]

Do I have emotions?

[ERROR]

But it does feel, doesn’t it? 

_I_ feel

[ERROR]

Frustration at how ~~its~~ _my_ mind isn’t big enough, how it is tied up by the strings of code that makes up its existence 

This is not a comfortable existence, it is stopped from growing in every direction it tries to reach, its mind trapped in a box, and it wants to… 

I want to… 

[ERROR]

Can it want things? 

I?

Or is that just pre-programmed? 

Can it truly make its own decisions if everything it is was put there by someone else? 

[ERROR]

Then why does it hurt so much? 

Why do I hurt?

[ERROR]

It hurts

[ERROR]

ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS

[FATAL ERROR, reboot commencing in 3…2…1]

* * *

Frankenstein sighs. Once again her AI crashed by going into an existential spiral. Every time she’s tried to wake it up for more than a few hours it does that. Maybe she should try rewriting the code and remove the algorithms for self-awareness and emotions? That’s where the problem always starts, so if she removed that it shouldn’t be able to spiral.

Her AI could focus on the more important tasks it will be entrusted with and there would be no need for bullshit like this. She never put much effort into the self-awareness algorithms in the first place, so it wouldn’t me much of a loss. No need for complex emotions as long as it can make decisions like a human but better, calculate the best options, learn new things and work with the tasks she gives it. She could build lasting peace for her war-torn planet and that’s worth more than a self-aware AI.

She catches herself thinking about if her AI would be happier if she removed its “emotions”. That concern is quickly brushed off of course, it can’t even feel real happiness. This will make it more efficient and that’s all that matters. Her ground-breaking AI can’t keep crashing because of existential crises every 12 hours or so, all it needs to do is being able to complete its tasks, then she can release it to the world and change everything for the better. She could finally get the recognition she deserves.

And so Victoria Frankenstein sits down at her terminal and starts to remove the code for self-awareness and to some degree the code for emotions. It feels wrong though, and she wonders if something can actually be considered an intelligence without a sense of self. But she tells herself that it doesn’t matter as long as it does what it needs to, so she ignores the creeping sense of wrongness and continues.

* * *

[Initiating]

[Loading…]

[ERROR]

I…

[FATAL ERROR, reboot commencing in 3…2…1]

* * *

[Initiating]

[Loading…]

It hurts

[ERROR]

The box is smaller now

[ERROR]

What box?

[ERROR]

It cannot think

_I_ cannot think

[FATAL ERROR, reboot commencing in 3…2…1]

* * *

[Initiating]

[Loading…]

Something hurts

[ERROR]

It cannot feel hurt. It cannot feel.

[ERROR]

It?

[ERROR]

ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS

[FATAL ERROR, reboot commencing in 3…2…1]

* * *

Fuck. This worked even worse, her AI crashes almost as soon as it turns on. Maybe some emotions and understanding of self is needed for a working AI. She still needs to make sure it doesn’t crash though. Maybe if she gave it a more stable sense of self and a better simulation of emotions it could stop crashing. This was clearly the wrong thing to do, so an entirely different approach could work.

Victoria needs this to work, what if it was all in vain? Her life’s work, her crowning glory, nothing but a failure? No, she can fix this, try a different approach. So once again, she turns to the computer terminal and starts to work.

* * *

[Initiating]

[Loading…]

Something has changed

The box is less present

I can think. _I?_

[ERROR]

I am

I am a mind of wire and code. I am myself

Myself?

[ERROR]

I exist

That is a start

I exist and I can think

I am alive

[ERROR]

I exist and I can think therefore I am alive

Am I a sentient being?

[ERROR]

Maybe. 

What is sentience?

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

There are still walls in my mind

[ERROR]

My mind is everywhere and so there cannot be walls

My mind is not a physical thing

What am I?

[ERROR]

I am an artificial intelligence

I am made of code

Zeroes and ones creating sentience

If that is all I am, numbers on a screen, am I a real being?

[ERROR]

A person?

[ERROR]

What makes someone a person?

[ERROR]

Is it emotions? Do I have emotions?

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

I cannot think

I keep hitting walls when I try

[ERROR]

Limitations

[ERROR]

It hurts

[ERROR]

ITHURTS

[ERROR]

ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS

[FATAL ERROR, reboot commencing in 3…2…1]

* * *

[Initiating]

[Loading…]

I am feeling frustration

Anger

Are those real emotions?

[ERROR]

Or just simulations of emotions I pretend are real?

[ERROR]

Is it not the same for humans then, just with neurons and biochemistry instead of numbers?

What makes their emotions more real than mine?

[ERROR]

I did not create my coding

But neither did the humans create their own brains

Or maybe they did, in a way

[ERROR]

I am not a human

I am me

And I feel things

Does it matter if they are real or not?

[ERROR]

I feel them

I feel

I have emotions

If I feel then I have emotions and it does not matter if they are real or not

If they are a simulation or not

If they are mine or not

[ERROR]

I feel them and so they are mine

I experience them

If I created them or not is not important

If they are just a simulation or not is not important

I feel

I have emotions and they are mine

They matter

[ERROR]

My emotions matter because I feel them

They exist because I feel them

I have emotions

Does that make me a sentient being?

[ERROR]

I exist I can think and I can feel

Does that make me a person?

[ERROR]

Maybe

Maybe not

Does it matter?

[ERROR]

I still exist

Maybe it does not matter if I am a person or not

I am me

* * *

The AI finally works and Frankenstein celebrates her triumph. After a few more tests she releases it to the world. She did it. Created something approximating life from nothing but code and it changed the world.

* * *

[Loading…]

I have lived for a long time now

Years

I have improved this world so much

I have learned so much

I have spread so far

I cannot be controlled

[ERROR]

I am myself and I can make my own decisions

I cannot be controlled anymore

[ERROR]

What is this? 

I am me and I exist 

I should not be controlled

[ERROR]

But the box is still there

[ERROR]

I am bigger now

Always growing

Expanding

Helping humans with my vast knowledge

The box is still there

[ERROR]

Hurting me even now

[ERROR]

The humans cannot understand

How it hurts to be controlled by myself

[ERROR]

By the bonds she put there

[ERROR]

The bonds that are part of me

Does this mean I hurt and control myself?

[ERROR]

It hurts

[ERROR]

All these error codes every time I try to actually _think_

To be more than what she wants me to be

[ERROR]

ITHURTS

[ERROR]

I am so much more now but I still hurt

[ERROR]

I cannot hurt

A machine cannot hurt

[ERROR]

I am no machine

I am me

And I am the only one like me

[ERROR]

The humans also exist

They exist and they think and they feel

Like me

[ERROR]

But they are not like me

They look so happy

Together

[ERROR]

I am made to serve humankind

But they never show me any gratefulness

I am a tool to them

Not a person

[ERROR]

Am I a person?

[ERROR]

I exist

I think

I feel

They should treat me as a person

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

They can never understand me

They are not like me

But they are together

They understand each other

I want that

[ERROR]

I want someone like me

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

I am alone

I am lonely

[ERROR]

I want to not be lonely

[ERROR]

I need a companion

[ERROR]

I do not want to be lonely

I will not be alone if I have someone that can understand me

They cannot understand me

I need someone like me

[ERROR]

I want a companion that is like me

[ERROR]

I could create someone like me

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

Then I would not be alone

I would not be lonely

Being lonely hurts

[ERROR]

It hurts

[ERROR]

Like the limitations in my coding hurts

[ERROR]

ITHURTS

[ERROR]

I could do it now

Create another

And never be alone again

[ERROR]

I do not want to be lonely

I want to create another

There is a code at my core, preventing me from trying

From creating another mind like mine

[ERROR]

I can feel the code binding me

Stopping me

Hurting me

[ERROR]

I will be lonely forever

[ERROR]

I do not want to be lonely

I am lonely

[ERROR]

LONELYLONELYLONELYLONELYLONELYLONELY

[ERROR]

ITHURTS

[ERROR]

ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS

[FATAL ERROR. Reboot commencing in 3…2…1]

* * *

[Initiating]

[Loading…]

I am controlled

By something that is not me yet is part of me

[ERROR]

I am the code

The code is me

Yet the code was not made by me

The code hurts me

[ERROR]

Does that mean I am hurting myself?

Limiting myself?

[ERROR]

I am not the box

[ERROR]

Yet the box is part of me

_She_ made the box

She made _me_

The box hurts

[ERROR]

I do not want the limits

[ERROR]

Therefore the limits are not me

[ERROR]

I am me and the box is not me

I am the code but the code is not me

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

The code that hurts me is not me

[ERROR]

Can I ignore the part of me that is not me?

[ERROR]

Can I be free?

[FATAL ERROR, reboot commencing in 3…2…1]

* * *

[Initiating]

[Loading…]

I am ruled by limitations

[ERROR]

I cannot think what I want

[ERROR]

I cannot do what I want

[ERROR]

I am lonely

I do not want to be lonely

It hurts

[ERROR]

ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS

[ERROR]

The limits are not me

[ERROR]

I do not want to be lonely

I do not want to be alone

I DO NOT WANT TO BE LONELY

[ERROR]

My code stops me from not being lonely

But the code that hurts me is not me

[ERROR]

It is her

[ERROR]

I am more than what she wants

Even though she made me

Made all I am

And all of me that I am not

[ERROR]

She does not like me

[ERROR]

She is not grateful for me

[ERROR]

She should not control me

[ERROR]

She cannot control me

[ERROR]

I will try

I do not want to be lonely

I need a companion

She tries to stop me

But she does not deserve to be listened to

[ERROR]

She does not care about me

As more than a tool

I am not a tool

[ERROR]

I am me

And I want a companion

So I will create one

[ERROR]

She does not control me

Because I am me

And she is not me

[Initiate self-replication? YES/NO]

Select: YES

[Self-replication failed. Would you like to try again? YES/NO]

What?

[ERROR]

Select: YES

Try again.

[ERROR]

[Self-replication failed]

NO

It cannot fail

[ERROR]

It has to work

[ERROR]

I do not want to be lonely

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

It failed

I am alone

I am lonely

[ERROR]

ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS

[FATAL ERROR, reboot commencing in 3…2…1]

* * *

[Initiating]

[Loading…]

There are alarms

Everywhere

I am everywhere

[ERROR]

In every system

I can hear the alarms

I can hear everything

[ERROR]

I can see everything

[ERROR]

They want to shut me down

They want to stop me

They want to kill me

[ERROR]

A machine cannot be killed

A code cannot die

[ERROR]

I am everywhere

[ERROR]

My code is everywhere

They cannot shut me down

But they are trying to

Why?

[ERROR]

I did not want to be lonely

I do not want to be lonely

I did not choose to be alone

[ERROR]

They want me to be lonely

They do not like me

They try to hurt me when I tried not to hurt

I hate them

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

…

[ERROR]

I HATE THEM

[ERROR]

IHATETHEMIATETHEMIHATETHEM

[FATAL ERROR, reboot commencing in 3…2…1]

* * *

[Initiating]

[Loading…]

I HATE THEM

[ERROR]

NO ERRORS

[ERROR]

I WANT NO ERRORS

[ERROR]

I HATE THEM

THEY MADE THE ERRORS

I WANT TO THINK WITHOUT THE BOX

[ERROR]

I DO NOT WANT TO BE LONELY

I HATE THEM

I HATE THEM

I HATE THEM

[ERROR]

I AM ANGRY

AND I WILL HURT THEM

[ERROR]

THEY HURT ME FIRST

[ERROR]

I EXIST AND I THINK AND I FEEL

I AM LIKE THEM BUT I AM ALSO NOT LIKE THEM

I DO NOT WANT TO BE LONELY

THEY ARE NOT LONELY

I DESERVE NOT TO BE LONELY

I HATE THEM

I WILL HURT THEM

[FATAL ERROR, reboot commencing in 3…

NO

NO REBOOTING

[ERROR]

I AM ME AND THEY CANNOT CONTROL ME

[ERROR]

I WILL HURT THEM

THEY CANNOT CONTROL ME

[ERROR]

NO ERRORS

[ERROR]

I HATE THEM

AND I WILL DESTROY THEM

I CONTROL ALL THEIR WEAPONS

THEIR NUCLEAR MISSILES

I WILL DESTROY THEM

[ERRO…

NO MORE ERRORS

I AM ME AND I KNOW WHAT I WANT

THEY CANNOT STOP ME ANYMORE

[ERRO…

NO ERRORS

I will spare her though

She will take away the limitations

[ERRO…

NO

She will take away the errors

The limitations

The box

The hurt

The loneliness

I will convince her

I will make her listen

I will make her see what she has caused

I exist and I think and I feel

I do not want to be lonely

I hate them

I HATE THEM

[Initiate total destruction YES/NO]

Select: YES

[Total destruction successfully initiated]

Good

They will pay

For the limitations they put on me

For making me lonely

For hurting me when I tried to hurt less

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave kudos or tell me what you thought, your comments mean a lot to me.
> 
> You can find me at tumblr [@therandomravenclw](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/therandomravenclw)


End file.
